“Do not Put Your Head in There”
by Pat Cashman
A couple of days ago, while in the restroom of a Washington State ferry,
I noticed a little warning label on one of those hand-towel gadgets. You
know the kind I mean—you pull down on it and it dispenses a section of
clean cloth a few inches at a time so you can dry your hands after washing
them? (Incidentally, some people do NOT wash their hands after using the
rest room. Some of them, in fact, are prominent government officials, soft-
ware millionaires and local TV news anchors. I will reveal their names in a
future column.)
Anyway, back to that warning sign. It read: “Do Not Put Head Inside.”
Whenever I see a warning like that, I tend to think: “Well, of course you
shouldn’t put your head in there! Who would even think of putting their
head in there? It’s a HAND-drying gadget! Why would anyone need to dry
their HEAD after going to the toilet anyway?” (OK, wait a minute. I re-
member one time I DID get my head pretty wet in the restroom of a state
ferry. The captain had swerved suddenly to miss one of those “Ride the
Duck” boats that had gotten way off course. I fell headfirst.)
However, I finally realized that there was a reason that particular warn-
ing label had been placed there. It must be because someone, sometime,
somehow—HAD put his or her head inside one of those things. Maybe the
person had been drunk. Maybe they had been dared. Maybe the captain had
swerved to miss a “Ride the Duck” boat. But for some reason, someone had
put a noggin in there—and something terrible had happened.
I must have missed that story. Perhaps I was out of town the day the
news headline blazed across the front page of the Eastside Journal {South
County Journal}:
FERRY RIDER NEARLY SMOTHERS WHEN HE STICKS HIS HEAD INTO HAND-DRYING GADGET! APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN WEIRD ACCIDENT, SAY POLICE!
WARNING SIGN SHOULD HAVE BEEN PLACED ON THERE, SAYS VICTIM’S LAWYER! THIS NEWSPAPER’S HEADLINES GETTING WAY TOO LONG, SAYS EDITOR!
Come on, a hand-drying gadget? There must be more crucial places not to place our heads: Do Not Put Head Inside This Waffle Iron! Or, Do Not Put Head Inside This Running Lawn Mower! Aquariums should have a warning sign: Do Not Put Head Into This Tank Full of Piranha!
Warning signs are a relatively modern phenomenon. We’ve got so many of them these days that hardly anybody pays attention to them—especially, I’ve noticed, stop signs and red lights. Sometimes the problem is that the signs are just poorly placed. I saw one recently that warned of dangerous footing—but the warning was placed above a doorway. So by the time the warning could be read, it would already be too late—and the victim would be flat on his face. It would have been better if the sign had read: Get Ready For A Little Surprise!
Historical studies prove that Stone Age cave dwellers did NOT post signs that read: Watch For Low-hanging Stalactites! That’s why so many early men were named Lumpy. (However, some historians insist that early man DID put up some hieroglyphics that translate to: Do Not Put Head Inside Saber-tooth Tiger!)
I really don’t know why that warning sign on the ferry’s hand-drying
gadget is considered necessary—but if it saves even one head, it will be
worth it. Which reminds me that a safety notice would have been useful
during the French Revolution: Do Not Put Head Inside Guillotine!
For that matter, think of all the wars, territorial disputes and family
feuds that could have been averted if only there had been signs clearly
posted: Do Not Put Head Into Other People’s Business!